It's not that I consider myself particularly litigious - I think most tort suits are a wanton abuse of our legal system - but I'm no sucker either.So when I inadvertently bit into this oozing, black gelatinous mold-covered carrot at the bottom of my Cosi bag of carrots the other day, I did what any self-respecting dude would do (shy of pumping his stomach): I prepared my defense.
If was going to get sick and die of god knows what kind of poison was in these carrots, someone was going to pay. Cosi or the carrot company (Grimmway Farms), I didn't care who, but I was going to document the source of my sickness should I succumb before having the chance to make my mark and carry on the important work I'm here on Earth to do.
So if martyrdom to poor crop inspection was really in my cards, my survivors would at least get rich as shit in the void of my life and thanks tothe conveniently pointed-finger of my cold dead hand.
Let the record show that these pictures were taken on September 20, 2007, shortly after my biting into the above pictured carrot which in theory would be best consumed (and safely consumed one might therefore assume) before September 27, seven days hence:
Here's the pic clearly identifying Grimmway Farms of Bakersfield, California as originally being responsible for the carrot:
Though in fact the Cosi at 1001 Pennsylvania Ave NW in Washington, D.C. sold it to me.
Finally, if anyone at Grimmway Farms or Cosi cares enough to track this issue down to the root of the problem, here is the UPC and Barcode from the bad bag:
Other than the sickly swirling in my stomach and the near overwhelming desire to throw up, I never did succumb to any food poisoning or other terrible disease. I suppose I have my own immune system to thank for that, and the smarts to not consume the entirety of the clearly maligned carrot.
However let this blog post be a lesson to others who may eat something and immediately fear it may kill them. I think I gathered the available evidence in a neat, clever fashion that my law school friends say is admissible in court. So if in fact I had gotten sick and died, I would have gotten rich in the process.
To the PR schills working for Cosi and Grimmway who hate me bad-mouthing their efforts you can always apologize with dollars if you see fit, but that can't erase the fact that that was one nasty carrot your tried to kill me with.
